Hey Alaska! Knock it Off!

So the funny money is pouring in for our Uncampaign to buy Illinois' second Senate seat when bam, the former Vice Presidential Candidate's daughter's soon to be mother inlaw is arrested on 6 felony counts of misconduct involving a controlled substance.

This unfortunate news once again took the national spotlight off Illinois and our embattled Governor and sent it right back to Alaska. Hey, Alaska, this unbridled rivalry for the Top Scandalous State Award has got to stop!

And, once the news hit the wires, the contributions, I mean the bribe money, to our Uncampaign coffers came to an abrupt end.

Knitters of America! Keep your eye on the prize. We're trying to buy one of our own a Senate seat! Need I remind you that our platform is Smut for Everyone! Put down your knitting and send Monopoly money in large quantities now!

As you can see, we've raised about $240,000, but we're still only about halfway to our goal. During his press conference, I was delighted when Governor Blagojevich looked directly at me and told me we still had a chance, but his demeanor was such that we won't be able to buy the Seat for a bargain basement price. He still means business, our tenacious Governor, and we can't insult him with any figure under the $500,000 I think he'd be willing to accept. Efforts to confirm this figure have gone unanswered as he is understandably staying off the phone.

"I will fight. I will fight. I will fight until I take my last breath," he said.

Was I wrong to take that as "I'm up here buying you some time, Knitters; but I'm not fooling around either. Come up with the cash fast; I can't guarantee how long I'll last and I have a really expensive lawyer to pay for."

Now as you all know, we Knitters are a kind and generous bunch who think nothing of spending hours and hours knitting for a loved one and each stitch contains a little piece of our hearts. We delight in the fact that our handiwork keeps our loved ones warm and toasty all winter - whether it be a scarf, hat, mittens, socks or a sweater, we bask in the knowledge that they're a little more comfortable and a little happier for our efforts.

However, it would be a big mistake to underestimate us. We're focused and determined and we always carry sharp, pointy sticks with us wherever we go.

So let's buy Theresa Stevens that Senate seat. She's a terrific Knitter; we know she shares our values and will work tirelessly to promote our interests. Maybe, just maybe, we could get her to appoint a committee to figure out a way to get gauge without swatching! Or how about a way to get the fabric we all so want on size 2 needles, but without all the time and stitches required to get it?

Not a Knitter? Well, there's always the frosting on the cake - Smut for Everyone. Maybe we could convince her to let her contributors be the first to buy the new releases from her publishing house, Red Sage.

Forget about Alaska, please! We have more important issues and scandals right here at home in Illinois. Really now, who cares that someone who knows someone who recently became famous was arrested for drugs. Drug arrests are so Amy Winehouse.

Hey Alaska! Cool your jets until we get this thing done. We have a deadline to meet and your scandals are a distraction we can't afford.